How can one want recovery but yet still engage in eating disorder behaviors? I want recovery. For the most part. But then what do I do today? Take 3 laxatives and purge my little amount of food I have had in a few days. My weight isn't dropping and I don't understand why. I feel like people think I'm crazy because here I am, doing everything to work towards recovery, but then I'm going in the bathroom after meals and throwing up. Popping a few laxatives here and there. Then they think to themselves, "yeah, she'll never recover. She can't let go of Ana."
I want to prove not only to them, but to myself that I can do this. That Ana doesn't have to be involved in my life anymore. "But then you're going to be fat and unhappy," she says. It's true. I'm going to put on weight and then I am going to be unhappy with myself. But here I am, 1.4 stone underweight and I am still unhappy. I keep trying to convince myself that when I get to 6 stone that I will finally be happy. I will be skinny, and then Ana will have nothing to bitch about. But that's not true, is it? No matter how much we push ourselves, no matter how much weight we lose, we are still unhappy. It's the thoughts that make us that way too. If I could be 6 stone and live without those thoughts, then I would be happy. But those thoughts never go away. They are always following me around, even while I dream. It makes no sense. Ok, enough ranting for me.
xx
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