The thoughts that I find in my head constantly; somehow I wish I could just put them out there like the credits of a movie right above my head. I laid in bed for 45 minutes listening to the chatter of my family out in the kitchen, but wasn't really "listening." What Ana was listening was for them to mention about how I'm a fat pig because I binged right there in front of them all. I don't ever binge. It was embarrassing, and instead of going into the bathroom and sticking my finger down my throat, I decided to go lay down and just sleep it off. I feel like a failure. It was chocolate of all things. Why couldn't I have binged on something at least healthy? Dinner tonight is going to be a bit of a struggle. I want to fake a stomach ache, or make myself throw up before hand so everyone thinks I'm sick. Then I could just lay in bed for the rest of the evening. All these thoughts are over consuming. I wish people could read the thoughts in my head. Maybe they would understand why I want to stay in a little shell away from them all. Maybe it is all in my head. Maybe I belong in a crazy hospital. They could do a lobotomy on me and research what's wrong with my innards. Like that movie Sucker Punch. That would be pretty cool. I'm not sure I'm scared of dying from this. At least I wouldn't have to suffer any longer. My family wouldn't have to endure the way I am anymore. Maybe it would be for the best.
xx
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