Fucked up

Yep, already done and fucked everything up. I was doing so well. Water for breakfast. Then another bottle of water. Then I did 45 minutes on the gazelle. Did stretches and drank another bottle of water. Then the hunger pains set it. And I fucking gave in like a fat pig. I ate about a cup and a half of pasta with veggies and chicken, then some wheat thins. FAT FUCKING FAILURE. So I went into the bathroom to purge, but couldn't purge all of it because then my boyfriend would have known what I was doing.
We left to go get gas and cigarettes, and while he was inside, I popped two laxatives. I'll be feeling that later. And just now while he is outside washing his truck, I went into the bathroom and purged the rest of the food and the water I had.
I can't believe I couldn't even make it a full day without giving in. I'm not a binger. I'm a restricter. A purger. But fuck, I just want to get back down to my lowest weight. Is that so much to ask for? So right now I am making a cup of detox tea and trying not to focus on what's to come in a few hours when I have to make dinner. I chose chicken, so if I do give in and eat something small, then it won't be unhealthy.
Somethings got to give. I hate living with these mixed emotions. Some of recovery, most of just losing more and more weight. And if I ever get down to 6 stone again, it still probably won't be good enough. Because life with Ana, you're never good enough. Her grip on your throat gets tighter and tighter every single day. Your thoughts are no longer yours, but all the lies she tells.
I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this post, and I'm pretty sure no one is reading it anyway.

xx