How can one want recovery but yet still engage in eating disorder behaviors? I want recovery. For the most part. But then what do I do today? Take 3 laxatives and purge my little amount of food I have had in a few days. My weight isn't dropping and I don't understand why. I feel like people think I'm crazy because here I am, doing everything to work towards recovery, but then I'm going in the bathroom after meals and throwing up. Popping a few laxatives here and there. Then they think to themselves, "yeah, she'll never recover. She can't let go of Ana."
I want to prove not only to them, but to myself that I can do this. That Ana doesn't have to be involved in my life anymore. "But then you're going to be fat and unhappy," she says. It's true. I'm going to put on weight and then I am going to be unhappy with myself. But here I am, 1.4 stone underweight and I am still unhappy. I keep trying to convince myself that when I get to 6 stone that I will finally be happy. I will be skinny, and then Ana will have nothing to bitch about. But that's not true, is it? No matter how much we push ourselves, no matter how much weight we lose, we are still unhappy. It's the thoughts that make us that way too. If I could be 6 stone and live without those thoughts, then I would be happy. But those thoughts never go away. They are always following me around, even while I dream. It makes no sense. Ok, enough ranting for me.
xx
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Inner thoughts; out
The thoughts that I find in my head constantly; somehow I wish I could just put them out there like the credits of a movie right above my head. I laid in bed for 45 minutes listening to the chatter of my family out in the kitchen, but wasn't really "listening." What Ana was listening was for them to mention about how I'm a fat pig because I binged right there in front of them all. I don't ever binge. It was embarrassing, and instead of going into the bathroom and sticking my finger down my throat, I decided to go lay down and just sleep it off. I feel like a failure. It was chocolate of all things. Why couldn't I have binged on something at least healthy? Dinner tonight is going to be a bit of a struggle. I want to fake a stomach ache, or make myself throw up before hand so everyone thinks I'm sick. Then I could just lay in bed for the rest of the evening. All these thoughts are over consuming. I wish people could read the thoughts in my head. Maybe they would understand why I want to stay in a little shell away from them all. Maybe it is all in my head. Maybe I belong in a crazy hospital. They could do a lobotomy on me and research what's wrong with my innards. Like that movie Sucker Punch. That would be pretty cool. I'm not sure I'm scared of dying from this. At least I wouldn't have to suffer any longer. My family wouldn't have to endure the way I am anymore. Maybe it would be for the best.
xx
xx
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Gained :'(
So I didn't lose any weight, I actually gained a bit. But fuck it. It was probably just water weight anyway. I didn't eat anything all day yesterday until late at night. But it was just a little. Took laxatives earlier in the day so I didn't have to purge dinner. I've realized that I miss self harming and that I am thinking about starting it again. I honestly don't care what everyone else around me thinks. My ED is bad enough, so why not add something on top of that? I used to self harm a lot when I was a bit younger, and I miss that feeling of the blade to my arms. I also realized something else. I need more time with friends. I have this one friend, we'll call him S. He has been a good friend for quite some while but life has got in the way of our friendship for years, and now lately we have been hanging out a little bit, and I'm really enjoying it. I just want him as a friend. Nothing more. Never have. I just enjoy our friendship. It's really fun and pretty awkward lol. I love it. Alright, I have nothing left to say.
xx
xx
Monday, January 7, 2013
Day 2 of my "detox"
Today has been a bit better than yesterday. I haven't exercised at all though, but have been running errands, so maybe that will have burn some calories. I have had 3 bottles of water, 1 cup of tea, a side salad(20) and a parfait (150.) Purged after eating though. I knew that taking those laxatives yesterday wasn't going to be pleasant, but my body feels so empty now, and I love it. I get weighed in tomorrow. *Insert happy dance here*
I feel confident that I've lost. I've had to of. I've barely eaten a thing and been "emptying" out my body like crazy. I am already appreciating the lovely comments from people and my new followers. Just take note that most of my posts will be shorter than normal because I don't want anyone to link my two blogs together. Then my world would come crashing down.
I'm thinking that starting tomorrow, I may try the HSGD. I'm not sure yet. Mainly because that many calories scare the shit out of me. I am one of those girls that would be totally content on living off of 200 calories or less a day.
But the recovery part of me won't allow that. Like I said in my first post, there is a big part of me that wants to be over this, that wants recovery, but a bigger part that loves having Ana in my life. What can I say? It's a catch 22. Went shopping today. Depressing like always. I hate it. But with it being so "warm," I need to find more clothes to fit the weather. Plus to hide that I am losing weight. Sigh. Hiding. Secrets. That's all this disease is. Oh well, I hope you all are doing well. Stay skinny.
xx
I feel confident that I've lost. I've had to of. I've barely eaten a thing and been "emptying" out my body like crazy. I am already appreciating the lovely comments from people and my new followers. Just take note that most of my posts will be shorter than normal because I don't want anyone to link my two blogs together. Then my world would come crashing down.
I'm thinking that starting tomorrow, I may try the HSGD. I'm not sure yet. Mainly because that many calories scare the shit out of me. I am one of those girls that would be totally content on living off of 200 calories or less a day.
But the recovery part of me won't allow that. Like I said in my first post, there is a big part of me that wants to be over this, that wants recovery, but a bigger part that loves having Ana in my life. What can I say? It's a catch 22. Went shopping today. Depressing like always. I hate it. But with it being so "warm," I need to find more clothes to fit the weather. Plus to hide that I am losing weight. Sigh. Hiding. Secrets. That's all this disease is. Oh well, I hope you all are doing well. Stay skinny.
xx
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Fucked up
Yep, already done and fucked everything up. I was doing so well. Water for breakfast. Then another bottle of water. Then I did 45 minutes on the gazelle. Did stretches and drank another bottle of water. Then the hunger pains set it. And I fucking gave in like a fat pig. I ate about a cup and a half of pasta with veggies and chicken, then some wheat thins. FAT FUCKING FAILURE. So I went into the bathroom to purge, but couldn't purge all of it because then my boyfriend would have known what I was doing.
We left to go get gas and cigarettes, and while he was inside, I popped two laxatives. I'll be feeling that later. And just now while he is outside washing his truck, I went into the bathroom and purged the rest of the food and the water I had.
I can't believe I couldn't even make it a full day without giving in. I'm not a binger. I'm a restricter. A purger. But fuck, I just want to get back down to my lowest weight. Is that so much to ask for? So right now I am making a cup of detox tea and trying not to focus on what's to come in a few hours when I have to make dinner. I chose chicken, so if I do give in and eat something small, then it won't be unhealthy.
Somethings got to give. I hate living with these mixed emotions. Some of recovery, most of just losing more and more weight. And if I ever get down to 6 stone again, it still probably won't be good enough. Because life with Ana, you're never good enough. Her grip on your throat gets tighter and tighter every single day. Your thoughts are no longer yours, but all the lies she tells.
I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this post, and I'm pretty sure no one is reading it anyway.
xx
We left to go get gas and cigarettes, and while he was inside, I popped two laxatives. I'll be feeling that later. And just now while he is outside washing his truck, I went into the bathroom and purged the rest of the food and the water I had.
I can't believe I couldn't even make it a full day without giving in. I'm not a binger. I'm a restricter. A purger. But fuck, I just want to get back down to my lowest weight. Is that so much to ask for? So right now I am making a cup of detox tea and trying not to focus on what's to come in a few hours when I have to make dinner. I chose chicken, so if I do give in and eat something small, then it won't be unhealthy.
Somethings got to give. I hate living with these mixed emotions. Some of recovery, most of just losing more and more weight. And if I ever get down to 6 stone again, it still probably won't be good enough. Because life with Ana, you're never good enough. Her grip on your throat gets tighter and tighter every single day. Your thoughts are no longer yours, but all the lies she tells.
I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this post, and I'm pretty sure no one is reading it anyway.
xx
Saturday, January 5, 2013
2 day detox
So while at the grocery store today, I bought detox tea. I asked my boyfriend a few minutes ago if I could do a 2 day detox. Meaning just the tea and water. My reason that I told him was because I have been eating shitty lately and I have been overdosing on my anxiety medication, and I want to cleanse my body of everything.
That's only half true. I have been eating pretty shitty when I do eat, so I want all that out of my body, but I am going to lose weight. As much as I want recovery, I want bones even more so. That's sick, huh? Right now I am at 6.4 stone the last time I was weighed. Which was at the beginning of last week. My lowest weight was 6 stone even. That's what I want to be again. I know that a 2 day detox won't bring me to that, but hopefully somewhat closer.
What is going to help me get there is the laxatives too. I bought some at the store the other day. I'm so good at keeping them a secret, and I'm taking them just little enough so no one will notice I'm taking them. I can't believe my boyfriend agreed to it. Well I'm not sure if he did agree, but he didn't say no either.
I also took a few of my measurements the other day. Now keep in mind, that I have had children lol.
Waist: 24"
Hips: 30"
Thighs: 15"
Arms: 9"
Wrist: 5"
Wow, my hip measurements are depressing. But there is absolutely nothing I can do about that. So I guess I will keep you updated on my journey of my detox.
xx
That's only half true. I have been eating pretty shitty when I do eat, so I want all that out of my body, but I am going to lose weight. As much as I want recovery, I want bones even more so. That's sick, huh? Right now I am at 6.4 stone the last time I was weighed. Which was at the beginning of last week. My lowest weight was 6 stone even. That's what I want to be again. I know that a 2 day detox won't bring me to that, but hopefully somewhat closer.
What is going to help me get there is the laxatives too. I bought some at the store the other day. I'm so good at keeping them a secret, and I'm taking them just little enough so no one will notice I'm taking them. I can't believe my boyfriend agreed to it. Well I'm not sure if he did agree, but he didn't say no either.
I also took a few of my measurements the other day. Now keep in mind, that I have had children lol.
Waist: 24"
Hips: 30"
Thighs: 15"
Arms: 9"
Wrist: 5"
Wow, my hip measurements are depressing. But there is absolutely nothing I can do about that. So I guess I will keep you updated on my journey of my detox.
xx
Introduction
So this is new for me. Not the blogging thing, the being secretive about it thing. I have two other blogs actually, but this one is not for the eyes of anyone who knows me personally. This is for all the other girls out there that want recovery, but don't want it bad enough to change anything. This is also for all the girls who live for their eating disorders and have no intention in quitting. I've been working for over half a year at this recovery thing, with very little success. Been in treatment, did well in there, and have been failing since I've been out.
Ana is my eating disorder. Ana is my best friend, my lover, my life saver, my destroyer. My alter ego. My life I live is for her. I plan on using this blog as my personal journal that my friends and family don't know about. Because unlike my other blogs that everyone in my life reads everyday, this one is for all the girls out there like me. I will post my deepest, darkest secrets, and never reveal my true identity.
On my other blogs, I might lie a little bit just to please everyone else around me. This blog is not for that. I will be completely honest about my feelings, about my addictions, about my calories, about my habits. There will be no secrets on this one. I plan to follow other girls who live with eating disorders, and stand by their sides 110%. I will give tips and tricks where needed. I will post thinspo when we all need it. I'm ready to start writing for myself and not for everyone else. Please follow and stay awhile =)
xx
Ana is my eating disorder. Ana is my best friend, my lover, my life saver, my destroyer. My alter ego. My life I live is for her. I plan on using this blog as my personal journal that my friends and family don't know about. Because unlike my other blogs that everyone in my life reads everyday, this one is for all the girls out there like me. I will post my deepest, darkest secrets, and never reveal my true identity.
On my other blogs, I might lie a little bit just to please everyone else around me. This blog is not for that. I will be completely honest about my feelings, about my addictions, about my calories, about my habits. There will be no secrets on this one. I plan to follow other girls who live with eating disorders, and stand by their sides 110%. I will give tips and tricks where needed. I will post thinspo when we all need it. I'm ready to start writing for myself and not for everyone else. Please follow and stay awhile =)
xx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)